What is grief? How do you measure it? Getting through grief is different for each person experiencing it. There are many causes of grief from losing a loved one to the sadness that comes from a significant life event such as moving far away from family or ending a friendship. No two experiences are the same, yet they elicit some of the same emotions. A very close family friend lost her beloved grandmother a week before my dad passed away. She reached out to me asking if I would mind writing about grief. So, this post is for her and all the rest of us who are in the grieving process or have been in the past.

Stages of Grief, 1 & 2

There are five stages of grief: denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance. While many people think you start at the beginning and work your way through the steps it is not uncommon to bounce around through the steps. I find that even in these early days of my grief I am feeling denial, anger, and depression often all in one day. Our minds take time to process the loss. We need to be patient with ourselves (I know, easier said than done). Each loss that we experience is very different based on the person/ideal we have lost and the relationship/emotional attachment we had with that person/place/thing. I am going to focus on the grief we experience after someone dies.

Denial is that feeling that this couldn’t possibly be happening. It cannot be real. Yet, deep down inside it is real. We just can’t wrap our heads around it. There may be a lot of “Why?” questions that we ask.

Anger comes as we try to answer that “Why?” and realize there is no answer and we can do nothing about it. Anger could be from a life cut short or not having more time with that person or even from thinking about that last unresolved argument you had with that person. You may just feel like smashing something. I say to go ahead and do it. Take an old glass and throw it on the ground (in a place where no one will get hurt). Listen to it as it shatters. Let go of that anger.

Stages of Grief 3, 4, 5

Bargaining is what we do when we ask our higher power to please change the circumstances –“Please do…. and I will do…” Some may call this a form of praying as we are asking for help with this situation.

Depression makes us feel like nothing in the world is bright and shiny any longer. We are not motivated to do the things we typically enjoy. We may sleep more and eat less. Taking a shower can feel like really hard work. It may be a feeling that just floats over us as we go about our day. When should we worry? When depression gets to a point that it is impacting our personal, social, and occupational well-being. At that point, it is time to ask for help.

Once a person reaches acceptance they are at the point in which they can stop focusing so much on this loss. Yes, it will always be a part of their lives but not at every moment of the day.

Complicated Grief

A person is said to have complicated grief when the normal symptoms of grief linger and do not improve with time. Professional help should be sought for complicated grief.

According to Mayo Clinic (2023), a person experiencing complicated grief may experience:

• Intense sorrow, pain, and rumination over the loss of your loved one
• Focus on little else but your loved one’s death
• Extreme focus on reminders of the loved one or excessive avoidance of reminders
• Intense and persistent longing or pining for the deceased
• Problems accepting the death
• Numbness or detachment
• Bitterness about your loss
• Feeling that life holds no meaning or purpose
• Lack of trust in others
• Inability to enjoy life or think back on positive experiences with your loved one
• (para 8, https://www.mayoclinic.org/diseases-conditions/complicated-grief/symptoms-causes/syc-20360374)

Self-Care

What are some things you can do to feel better as you process your grief? Quiet time is an important thing. In my personal journey, I am trying to find a balance between staying really busy and having quiet time. For me, staying busy keeps me from focusing on the loss and is a tribute to my dad’s strong work ethic that he instilled in me when I was a child. I do find that exhaustion hits and then I really just need to lay down with my favorite fleecy blanket and take a snooze.

Do something you enjoy doing –taking a walk, going for a ride through the country, picking flowers, planting flowers, baking, drinking a glass of wine. Whatever it is that makes you enjoy the moment. Think about the good times you had with your loved one. Do not focus on things you wish you would have done together as that is not helpful right now because you have no control over that. Once you get over your initial grief you may be able to think about those things with a clearer head.

On the Receiving End

Immerse yourself in the kindness and love you receive from others. If you are a giver it may feel uncomfortable at first to be on the receiving end. I encourage you to try to let that go. People want to be able to do something for you. I have received flowers and cards and even had a friend drop off dinner for my husband and me. These things really do make a difference. Yesterday I received a beautiful multicolored blue glass memory lamp with a note from our closest friend from college. The idea behind the lamp is that the color is to remind me of growing up by the beach (sea glass) and each time I turn on the lamp I can think of my dad. It is a timeless gift that I will cherish.

If you have lost a loved one, please know that others care about you. I encourage you to talk about your loved one. Feel the feelings. Smile through your tears. And, most of all continue to love yourself through the process.

I am here for you if you want to reach out to me. Thanks for stopping by!