I am learning that it can be difficult and overwhelming to care for elderly parents. Our move to Texas was precipitated by my husband’s desire to be closer to his aging parents. His mother passed away just 6 weeks before our move, leaving my father-in-law living alone in their house. He did well caring for himself for about a year before telling us he was ready to sell the house and move into elderly housing.

My sister-in-law flew in from CA. She and my husband took my father-in-law to see several places. They chose one that was in the process of renovating their apartments. My father-in-law’s house sold in one day. He moved in with us for a couple months while waiting for his apartment to be ready.

Transitions From Home to Facility

We learned a lot about caring for elderly parents while my father-in-law lived with us. We saw things about his health that we had not seen before when we would visit him twice a week at his house (45 minutes from our house). His memory was not as intact as we thought. He had become pretty talented at masking his forgetfulness. Once he moved in with us we saw that he did not shower regularly. His appetite had decreased. He needed to be encouraged to drink water.

We struggled with taking his car keys away when it became evident that he should not be driving. The advice from his PCP was that this could be a difficult conversation to have. We tried to involve other family members, thinking this might help my father-in-law realize he should not drive, but they didn’t want to get involved. While we understood that giving up driving meant giving up a sense of freedom, we also thought about the safety of others who might be on the road at the same time as my father-in-law.

One day he let out our two dogs in 90+ degree weather and then forgot to bring them back in. My neighbor contacted me to tell me that she had seen our younger dog in the driveway and let her back into the house. The older of our two dogs wandered away. We drove around the neighborhood looking for him. I posted a desperate notice on the neighborhood FB page. Someone answered that they had found a chihuahua and brought him into the garage to try to get him to drink water. My husband drove to that house and found it was indeed our Diego Dog. It took quite a bit of time to cool Diego. My father-in-law denied having let the dogs out and sulked in his room for the rest of the evening. It was at that point we realized we could not leave him home alone.

Priorities of Caring for Elderly Parents

Safety is always the priority when considering the life of an elderly person. Are they able to make decisions? Are they capable of completing Activities of Daily Living (ADLs)? Is fall risk a consideration? All of these things went into the decision-making process of helping him choose his next home.

The apartment that my father-in-law moved into was part of a facility with several different sections — small one-story independent houses, an independent living apartment building, two assisted living buildings, a rehabilitation building, and a long-term care facility. This type of community is wonderful because it is very easy to move an elder as their needs increase. With the help of a dedicated health care provider, housekeepers, laundry service, and a CNA 3x a day check-in he was able to live alone for 1.5 years before we moved him to assisted living.

How the Decision to Move was Made

My husband heard from one of his uncles saying he had received a call from my father-in-law, in a very confused state. We immediately went to see my father-in-law and found him in a panic. On his coffee table were several cell phones (two that had no service), his tablet, and his laptop. He also had phone books and an address book spread open in front of him. He said he was trying to reach people about a baby that had died. This was not something that had actually happened. We later found out he had left messages for several family members asking if they had seen my mother-in-law (who had passed away a few years prior).

We reached out to his PCP and asked that she see him the next day. It was determined he had a urinary tract infection (UTI). In the elderly this type of infection can cause sudden or increased confusion. Often the person does not experience the pain and urgency of urination that a younger person would feel with a UTI. He was started on antibiotics. While this helped get him back to a less panicked state it was the beginning of a slide into more and more forgetfulness.

Assisted Living

By the time we moved him to the new building, he could no longer mask his confusion. Again, my sister-in-law came to help. She spent several days packing up items. She found that his bedsheets had not been changed in some time. Note to readers: do not assume that the housekeeper is changing the bedding. She also found that his kitchen garbage can was being used as a toilet. We were thankful that a room was available very quickly at the assisted living building as there is often a waiting list. My brother-in-law flew in from NH a few days later and helped with the move to the new room.

My father-in-law is well-taken care of in his new homey bungalow-style building. He has his own large room with an attached bathroom. They have an activities director, a large common area, a dining room, and a beautiful fenced-in courtyard.

His dementia has taken him back to when he was in the service. He thinks he lives on base, and forgets our names and where we live. He thinks he works at the facility. I see the frustration that he has with his failing word recall when he says, “I can’t talk anymore.” He also broke his hip a few months after moving to this facility but has totally forgotten he had surgery. He is in a wheelchair, yet he continues to try to get up to walk, even though he doesn’t have the leg strength necessary to stand for long.

Living in the Present With Elderly Parents

It can be really difficult visiting my father-in-law. Some days he is happy to see us and seems to know we are family. On other days he is hardly able to put together a sentence and when he does speak it is to ask “Where do you live?” and “Where do you work?” I tell my husband not to begin a conversation with “Remember when…” because my father-in-law has no idea what happened 5 minutes ago.

My husband has days when he knows his dad is in a great facility. On other days he feels guilty for not having his father living with us. We both work full-time jobs and there is no way we could provide the 1:1 care my father-in-law now requires. Caring for elderly parents is a complicated journey that no one prepares you for in adulthood. There is no mandatory training that tells you what you need to do or know.

We visit when we can…not as often as we did when my father-in-law was able to hold a conversation. The sad thing is that my father-in-law doesn’t know what day it is so if we visited every day or once a week, he wouldn’t know the difference. For family members, this can be difficult to assimilate as we need to remember to take care of ourselves. We just have to remember he is being taken care of by professionals we trust.

My Father is 2200 Miles Away

I am recently really feeling the pull to be with my own father who has also started to have extreme memory problems. My sister lives 15 minutes from our dad. I know this puts a large burden on her to be the one to check in with him. While she is not his primary elderly caregiver, she visits him regularly. I asked her yesterday what I can do to help. She said, “nothing.” I can make myself available by phone, text, and e-mail. And, I told her to let me know when she needs me there in person and I will make it happen.

I am an adult who feels like a little girl as I think about the prospect of losing my 88-year-old father. Over the last 5 days his health has declined significantly and this evening he is in the hospital. Caring for elderly parents is even more difficult long distance. My heart is being pulled in a million directions right now.

Please watch for the next installment of Caring for Elderly Parents. Tell me about your own experiences. What strategies have worked for you and your family? Thanks for reading my post.