Have you ever experienced a rush of anxiety during a certain situation and had to just breathe through it to get it resolved? Maybe a car cuts you off and you get that awful wave of adrenaline OR a health scare has you on edge.

“I learned that courage was not the absence of fear, but the triumph over it. The brave man is not he who does not feel afraid, but he who conquers that fear.”

Nelson Mandela

Back in November, I had my annual mammogram. The next day I got a call that the doctor wanted me to return for additional views and an ultrasound. This appointment was scheduled for today. I am proud of myself for not letting my anxiety get the best of me over the past few weeks. I decided to tuck it away and just go about my life. In the past, I have been unable to do that with health-related concerns. As a nurse, I sometimes think I know too much and that leads to my own health fears/anxiety.

My day began with meeting a friend this morning, going to my office for a few hours to finish my grading, and then heading to my appointment. I had not told many people about this…not even my husband. I think if I had told him it would have made it too “real” in my head. As I got out of my car, I took a deep breath. I kept telling myself to “keep it together.”

Follow-Up & Anxiety

I checked in, got an ID bracelet, and sat down. When my name was called I was walked back to a locker room area and given a huge johnnie to put on. I was trying to figure out how to tie it so that it would provide some type of coverage. I sat in the assigned waiting room. Other women came and went. We all laughed about how cold it was in that room. Some women had the same type of large johnnie on that I was wearing, and others wore cute, white waffle knit waist-length johnnies.

As I waited for my name to be called I looked around at the other women wondering how many were there as a follow-up and how many were there for their annual mammogram. I was called into a room and had the extra views taken. I swear that the squeezing I had today was the worst I have ever felt. How is it that that kind of trauma can be good for breast tissue? I was told to take a seat back in the waiting room while they had the doctor take a look at the new views to decide if she wanted to order the ultrasound.

Still Waiting

More women came and went as I waited. My anxiety began to creep into my consciousness. The nurse came to tell me that the doctor had ordered an ultrasound. I went back to the waiting room to wait some more. Now there were three other women sitting with me. We made random conversation. My mind began to spin, “What if there is something bad there?” “What if I have cancer?” What-ifs are not my friend. I don’t know how many what-if’s I have thought in my lifetime. These what-if’s were taking me down a really bad road.

The ultrasound tech finally called my name. I followed her down the hall and lay down on the bed. A pretty poster attached to the ceiling above the bed made the room feel cozy. Christmas music played softly in the background. The gel was warm as she squeezed it onto my breast. I looked over at the screen and saw a round black circle appear over the area they were re-examining. Was this good or bad? I could feel panic rising in the back of my throat. She told me she was going to contact the radiologist and sent me back to the waiting room.

Back to the Waiting Room

I went to use the ladies’ room to calm my nerves. It seems that as soon as I was back in the waiting room the tech returned to tell me I was good to go. I followed her to the locker room. “Wait, everything is okay?” She told me it was just a cyst. Starting to cry and asked if I could give her a hug. Even though I am a nurse, I explained that this really made me nervous. She was so sweet to me. We chatted amicably as she walked me back to the front of the building.

As I left I couldn’t help but think how many other women got the opposite news today. What was that like? Did they have support from family to help them through? I cannot be the only person there feeling a sense of dread as I waited to hear my destiny. The sense of relief I felt was mixed with a sense of sadness for other people getting bad news. I have no idea what the percentage rate is on a day-to-day basis but with how busy it was there today I imagine there were others who received bad news.

If you have health anxiety that is negatively affecting your life make an appointment to talk with a therapist. There are a ton of articles to be found on the internet, describing health anxiety and ways to cope. Don’t sit alone in it because that will only make you focus more intently on your fear.

Fear = Anxiety